Archive for Sex and Intimacy

Everyone wants everyone else to think they know all there is to know about sex!! Well I have news for you. Many people have many questions about sex – questions they don’t want you to know they don’t have the answers for. So sit back and relax because I am going to answer some of the sex questions you don’t want anyone to know you need answered.

1. Is their a “right” number of times a week I should be having sex with my partner?

The answer to this question is a resounding “No”. Most couples think other couples are having way more sex than they are. Even if they were, why should you care? You need to take a deep breath, relax and focus on your own sex life. The correct amount of times you should be having sex is individualized based upon the wants, needs and desires of each couple. As long as you and your partner are feeling intimately connected – then you are having sex the “correct” number of times per week determined by your unique relationship. The actual number of times per week is totally irrelevant. Once, twice, three times a week, or more, is not the goal or the value of sex – feeling intimately connected is what matters most!

2. How can I tell my partner my fantasies?

Even though we know we should be able to openly share our sexual fantasies with the person we have chosen to share our life with – many people find it hard to do. Some people are too shy and others feel too intimidated. Either way, too many people are keeping their sexual fantasies to themselves. Get a notebook and keep it in a private but shared space. Whenever you think of a sexual fantasy, write it down in this notebook. This way, you and your partner can read each others fantasies, in private, any time you feel like it. This method will allow you to share your fantasies with your partner without making you feel awkward and/or vulnerable.

3. Our sex life has become, well – boring – what can we do to change this?

Many couples in long-term relationships go through stages where sex has become boring and routine. If truth be told, it takes just a little bit of creativity and work to keep sex feeling fresh new and exciting and to get out of “the same old dull routine”. The very first thing you need to do is to start flirting with each other again. This is so easy and yet an incredibly effective way to break out of boring patterns. Many couples in long-term relationships forget the value of flirting. So bring it on – you will be surprised how this little act will spice up your sex life. Next, most couples tend to have sex at the same time of day or night and in the same place. So change the time of day you have sex and the place where you have sex. Have sex in a “forbidden” place. This is a small change in your sexual routine that will pay off in big dividends by bringing some sassiness back into your sex life. Also try to learn a new sexual technique or move (go to the internet, read women’s magazines – the info is readily available to anyone who wants it). Use technology to send sexually provocative messages to your partner – get the sexual excitement going long before you get into the bedroom. Anticipation plays a huge role in getting turned on – if it is done right. Bring sex games and fantasies into the bedroom. Have fun with sex by being creative and innovative. As long as both parties agree, anything goes!!

You have just read the answers to 3 very common sex questions that many people are afraid to ask. Hopefully you will no longer worry about whether you are having enough sex and will take my advice on how to share your sexual fantasies with your partner. And I highly recommend you try out some of the tools and tips I shared for you to have fun in the bedroom again!

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann

www.relationshiptoolbox.com
www.relationshiptoolbox.com/blog

Categories : Sex and Intimacy
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Modern technology has completely revolutionized the way we communicate with each other. New technology like the Droid allows us to share all sorts of information – around the globe – in real time. Sometimes I feel as if life depicted in all those science-fiction movies and novels has become a reality. The different ways in which we can instantly communication with each other – and our partner – can be awesome and mind boggling. Whether you and your partner prefer to communicate using a Droid, smart phone, Blackberry, iPhone, emails, text messages, tweets, internet alerts, Facebook etc. – we are now able to communicate with our partner in more ways than ever before.

You would think with all these cool ways to instantly get in touch with each other, our communication with our significant other would have tremendously benefited, right? Uh, wait a minute – not so fast! For many couples, modern technology is killing or incredibly straining their relationship. In other words, with all the new and improved methods we can use to communicate – our communication with our partner has actually suffered. This is because all of this cool technology is actually short-circuiting the romance and intimacy of our relationship.

You’re probably wondering to yourself: “How could that be”? Listen carefully. Modern technology has created many ways to transfer and exchange pieces of information. It is safe to say business has reaped oodles of dollars from technology because it has facilitated vast amounts of information being transferred around the world in a nanosecond. Great for business but not necessarily great for your relationship. Why?

Communication is the ultimate determinate upon which the health and quality of your relationship is built. The transferring of information however, is not the same as real communication. By definition, real communication is a two-way process upon which not only information, but thoughts, feelings and beliefs are exchanged and then discussed. Let’s not forget the “discussion” part of communication – which is usually missing when we exchange information via technology. When was the last time you thoroughly discussed a thought or feeling in an IM or text message?

When couples rely mainly on electronic tools to “communicate” with their partner, they lose the opportunity to go beyond superficial thoughts or an exchange of factual information. This results in the erosion of intimacy is your relationship. Intimacy cannot be nourished without the “human element” of discussion added into your communication. In other words, if modern technology has become the primary way you and your partner communicate with each other, you are in danger of short-circuiting the love and intimacy you need to keep your relationship thriving.

Communication between couples increases intimacy when it builds trust within the relationship. Trust building requires a discussion and sharing of thoughts, feelings and beliefs – not just an exchange of information. It requires face-to-face, one-on-one interaction.  It is hard to imagine your text message – or any other form of electronic communication building this type of trust.

Don’t make the fatal mistake of relying solely on modern technology to communicate with your partner. Staying emotionally connected with your significant other requires much more than an exchange of information. Connection and intimacy requires a dialogue about your true inner feelings that is built upon emotional trust.

Relying on modern technology alone short-circuits discussion and limits your ability to build trust and increase romance and intimacy in your relationship.

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann

www.relationshiptoolbox.com
www.relationshiptoolbox.com/blog

Categories : Sex and Intimacy
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Beach loving families like my own hate to see the summer end. But I have to admit, all the BBQs, beach parties and time spent outdoors with family and friends can have a way of putting your relationship on the back burner for a little bit. As much as we all love our kids, let’s admit it, when they are around during the summer months, they find a way of getting most of our energy and attention – often leaving us to exhausted to spend quality time with our partner. We don’t begrudge the kids for one second – we love them with all our heart – but let’s be honest, they can certainly find a way of zapping all our energy and free time away from other things we might enjoy doing.

So as we get the kids ready for back-to-school, let’s focus again on our relationship with our significant other. Let’s move it from the back burner and turn the flames of passion up to bring the sizzle back!

Here’s three ways

  1. Prioritize your relationship. We can no longer use the kids being around all the time as an excuse for keeping your relationship on the back burner – or ignoring it all together. Put your relationship front and center in your life – where it belongs – and get back into scheduling time together – if that is the only way your busy life can find time for your relationship. Grab a calendar and schedule a date night – at least once a week! Make sure you and your partner have agreed to prioritize these scheduled dates together and get the babysitters lined up to make it work. No excuses – just do it. (And by the way – they don’t have to be date “nights” – they can be lunches together or early morning walks – you get the picture).
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Categories : Sex and Intimacy
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We love our partner and we are committed to our relationship with them. Deep down in our heart and soul we know we truly want to be in love with them forever. In spite of this yearning to be close to the one we love, there are some common mistakes we make – sometimes on a daily basis – that prevents our dream relationship from coming true. Below are three common intimacy mistakes you must stop now to keep the flames alive in your relationship.

  1. Criticizing and Belittling. People do not realize how often they criticize their partner (and people in general) throughout the course of a day. We might criticize the clothes they wear, the type of movies they like to watch or the music they listen to. Or we may criticize their opinions on anything and everything. Whatever it is you are criticizing your partner about – you must stop this now if you want to keep the flames of love alive in your relationship.

    Think about this for a moment. Would you want to spend an extended amount of time with someone who is constantly criticizing you? Of course not! When we constantly criticize our partner, we are, in fact, belittling them. Whether that is your intention or not, belittling your partner is the consequence of criticizing them. So if you are hoping to spend many passionate days and nights with your partner, stop the criticizing and begin accepting them for who they are!

  2. Resentment. Resentment acts like carbon monoxide in your relationship – it is an invisible silent killer that destroys all those who come in contact with it. If you and your partner hurt each other, which is inevitable in any relationship, the ability to forgive one another is paramount if you want to go the distance. The inability to forgive our partner creates resentment in our relationship. Forgiveness is the antidote to resentment and will go a long way to secure romance and intimacy in your relationship.

    Unchecked resentment builds up and acts like an emotional wedge that comes between our self and our partner. Be willing to give to your partner what you will ask for someday – forgiveness. Sooner or later you will seek it from your partner too! And remember, you cannot ask from your partner that which you are not willing to give to them!
  3. Unappreciated. It would be impossible for me to count the number of times I have heard people complain they feel unappreciated by their partner. As we become more comfortable with our partner, we sometimes forget to acknowledge the things they do for us.  Couples who are able to increase their sense of intimacy and commitment to each other know that it is important to show your appreciation to your partner for the love they give to you and the things they do for you.

Appreciation can be shown in small every day acts of kindness. For example, bringing your partner a cup of coffee in the morning, or their favorite newspaper to read in bed are two very simple, but effective ways to show your partner how much you appreciate them. Remember, actions speak louder than words – so don’t forget to show your appreciation in your deeds as well as your words!

This article has provided you with three common mistakes you might be making that are preventing you from achieving the love and intimacy you crave in your relationship. Think about the ways you may, unwittingly, be criticizing your partner and stop it immediately! Building up resentment because you refuse to forgive your partner for past slights takes up more energy than it deserves – and zaps the romance out of your relationship. Neither you nor your partner is perfect so give it up already and let it go. Life is too short to hold onto past hurts. Finally, remember to show appreciation to your partner for the love and joy they bring to your life.

It you avoid these three common mistakes you are guaranteed to keep the flames of love burning brightly for years to come!

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann

www.relationshiptoolbox.com
www.relationshiptoolbox.com/blog

Categories : Sex and Intimacy
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Birthdays are a time for the celebration of life! Our birth is the celebration of the love our parents once shared with each other (regardless of how it played out). So for me, birthdays are all about giving; so my gift for you this week is a gift that is sure to keep on giving.

Today, I would like to give you the gift of gratitude. Gratitude is the ability to be grateful for all that we have in our lives. I am incredibly grateful to all the people with whom I share my life: my family, my friends and my loyal readers who know they can look to this newsletter for effective ways to increase the love and beauty of their romantic relationship.

Albert Einstein once said: “There are only two ways to live your life, one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as if everything is.” This life philosophy is based upon an attitude of gratitude. Be grateful for everything in your life and consider everything and everyone around you to be a miracle.

To be grateful in your relationship is to look at your relationship through a lens of abundance and appreciation. Focus on all the positives in your relationship – not the negatives. Be grateful for what you have instead of focusing on and being resentful for what you don’t have – or what you think you should have more of.

When you look at your relationship and your life through the eyes of gratitude – your world becomes a place of joy and happiness. Gratitude is a mindset that allows us to see the good in our partner and our life.

Here is my secret strategy for bringing gratitude into your relationship. Think about one nice thing that your partner said or did for you today – and be thankful for it. Be aware of how you feel as you think about this. Doesn’t it make you feel warm and loved? Let that feeling stay with you for a few moments and then go on with your day. Gratitude is also easily expressed by a thank-you or a hug; these are simple little acts that bring the giver so much love and appreciation in return for these easy gestures. 

Feeling grateful makes us feel good about ourselves and our relationships. Gratitude puts positive feelings into our relationship and allows it to expand from a place of love and abundance. Gratitude increases the bond we have with our partner and helps us resolve conflict in a healthy constructive manner.

Gratitude puts us in a place where we truly want to give back to the world for all that we have. When we are faced with conflicts in our relationship, if we approach these conflicts from a place of gratitude, we will feel less inclined to escalate these differences because we are not feeling the need to “win at all costs”.

The mindset and expression of gratitude in your day to day life helps solidify all your relationship and acts as glue for maintaining intimacy in your romantic relationship. When we show gratitude to our partner, we are letting them know we appreciate the love and intimacy they have brought into our lives.

Be grateful for all the love you have in your life. And my gift to you on my birthday is to give you my gratitude for our relationship. It is my hope you will give and show gratitude to the people you love in your life- and you will watch it spread like wild fire because gratitude is contagious.

Remember, gratitude is the gift that keeps on giving; I’ve given it to you as my birthday gift with the sincere hope that you will give it away to the ones you love! And you will see how much more you will get back in return!

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann

www.relationshiptoolbox.com
www.relationshiptoolbox.com/blog

Categories : Sex and Intimacy
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What makes the difference between couples who are happy and “go the distance” from couples who are constantly fighting and bickering and miserable together? Before I give you the #1 secret ALL happy couples know; let me tell what is NOT TRUE about couples who go the distance and find a way to keep the intimacy and romance alive in their relationship throughout the years!!

It is not true that happy couples do not fight; they do. And rich couples are not necessarily any happier than less affluent ones. And yes, happy couples do experience financial difficulties; they are not “made of money”. Couples that go the distance disagree on many issues, so their secret to happiness is not found in the false believe that they think so much alike. Happy couples who “go the distance” do not look to their partner to be their only source of friendship and emotional support; in other words, they are mutually interdependent on each other and not “glued to the hip” – they do, in fact, have interests that lie outside their relationship with each other. And finally, happy couples cannot read each other’s minds or finish each other’s sentences; these couples do not have any magic unknown to the rest of us mere mortals.

So, that being said, what then is the #1 secret ALL happy couples know that you should know too? Quite simply, all happy couples know the secret to falling in love and staying in love is found in the ability and passionate desire to “give”.

What do I mean by the “ability and passionate desire to give?” Some people look at their relationship in terms of “what’s in it for me?” or “what do I get out of it?” These people measure their happiness based on what they “get” from their relationship rather than what they “give” their partner. Long-term happy couples know the secret to their happiness and longevity is found in their sincere and passionate desire to “give” to the other person. Their individual happiness is found in the joy they receive from giving to their partner. These couples do not measure their happiness based up keeping score in terms of what they got from their partner vs. what they gave. There is no “tit for tat’ going on for long term romantic couples. Their happiness is truly rooted in their sincere desire to give to their partner, freely and with an open heart – without looking for anything in return. It is the giving in a relationship which creates long-term happiness for couples.

And here is the absolutely MOST amazing and wonderful irony couples in happy relationships experience: the more they give to their partner, the more, in fact, they get back. What a wonderful consequence of giving. The more you give, the more you receive!

When we love someone, it truly makes us happy to give them our love – and anything else we know that will bring a smile to their face. It makes us happy to make our lover happy!

For those us who are in a loving relationship; remember, if you, too, want to “go the distance” and experience long-lasting love, the #1 secret for achieving this goal is found in the heart-felt desire to give to our partner! This is the #1 SECRET every happy couple knows – and you now know too!

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann

www.relationshiptoolbox.com
www.relationshiptoolbox.com/blog

Categories : Sex and Intimacy
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Who doesn’t like to say and hear those 3 little words: “I love you”? They express our feelings of love, passion and intimacy for our sweetheart. But you would be making a huge mistake to rely only on words to show your love and affection for your sweetie; since it is what you do – more than what you say – that really counts. Read on if you are ready to let your actions speak louder than your words.

Below are 5 powerful, effective and simple ways to give your love a shot in the arm – without saying a single word.

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Categories : Sex and Intimacy
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In the archives of movies from the 1960’s, “Love Story” was a popular movie starring Ryan O’Neil (yes, that’s Tatum’s daddy) and Ali McGraw. This movie was about two young Harvard students who grew up in two very different socio-economic worlds, fall in love and get married.  Yes, versions of this plot have been written and re-written hundreds of times since the original version of forbidden love was written by Shakespeare in the classic story of Romeo and Juliet. Unlike Shakespeare’s romantic tragedy; however, the young lover’s in “Love Story” do not commit suicide. Both the movie and book “Love Story” began with the sentence: “What can you say about a 24 year old who dies of cancer?” The tragedy of this movie lies in the bride’s (Ali McGraw) diagnosis and death from cancer. You can see this movie was a real tear jerker and it represented many social themes which are as relevant today as they were during the time of Romeo and Juliet.

So by now you are probably wondering what in the world does this have to do with my promise of giving you 3 powerful words needed to keep romance alive in your relationship?  The movie “Love Story” had a very popular expression which resonated with many people – so popular that posters and bumper sticks were made up with the words: “love means never having to say you are sorry”. To think that people really believe this sentiment greatly concerns me.

Nothing, absolutely nothing could be further from the truth! As a matter of fact, the 3 most powerful words you must be able to say to keep romance and intimacy alive in your relationship are the 3 words: “I am sorry”.

The ability to say these 3 words: “I am sorry” are the most powerful words needed to sustain your love and intimacy through the good times and the bad. In fact, the ability to say “I am sorry” will be more effective in keeping your relationship strong and romance alive throughout the years than saying the words: “I love you”.

Why?

The words “I love you” are undeniably very powerful and meaningful words a couple say to each other when they are expressing their feelings of commitment, love and romance. However, the words “I love you” will not help you sustain your romance and steer you through the rough seas every couple encounters when their little love boat sails into the stormy seas of life. It is the ability to speak, with sincerity, the words: “I am sorry” that will get you through those turbulent storms intact and allow you to stay connected for the long haul.

Your life’s journey as a couple must begin with the words: “I love you”; but these words won’t mean diddly squat if you can’t express feelings of sorrow, remorse and true forgiveness when life gets in the way of your love. The ability to forgive, which I define as letting go of unintended and non-malicious pain and hurt your partner has caused you begins with a couple’s ability to say: “I am sorry” to each other. And believe me, once the honeymoon is over, it will only be a matter of time before you hurt each other, albeit unintentionally. Therefore, the ability to go the distance and keep romance alive in your relationship begins with these 3 powerful words: “I am sorry” – use them with sincerity.

Rekindle Romance and Happiness in Your Relationship,

Dr. Patty Ann

www.relationshiptoolbox.com
www.relationshiptoolbox.com/blog

Categories : Sex and Intimacy
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